3 years ago, I decided to move out of my home in search of freedom and to become an independent woman – it was certainly not the easiest decision ever.
Things were not easy from my end – I lived practically lived in a 3 bedroom house all myself because my housemates were mostly out. Work was hectic because it was a busy industry and I had pretty much 2-3 friends that I can talk to but they were all out of the country, it was purely over text, call kind of friendship. I came to a point where I was lonely – and decided to get on social media. It wasn’t a pretty place either – you come across things that you wish you’ve never seen. And that made my situation even worst. My depression and anxiety hiked up to a level that I experience nightmares and skipped meals. I dropped almost 10 kgs in a short period of time and I was 2 sizes smaller yet I remained unhappy.
There are many other things that were slowly breaking me apart. Close ones that truly trusted proved me wrong. I had to be cool and calm over things that were only making my anxiety worst, well, because the heart wants what it wants. It was horrible. I had night terrors, true, but I was also living in ONE. My words frequently misunderstood and my actions are usually labeled. I started doubting myself and hated looking at my reflection in the mirror. My mind believed that I am not important, worthless and not needed around.
On the self-confidence department, it went down the hill along with my mental health. I was a prisoner of my own worst thoughts and keep lingering in negative space. I started comparing myself to people that I hated and I let myself turn into a very bitter person. From mentally hurting myself, I started physically hurting myself.
I never actually shared this part of my life because it was just too painful for me. It was gloomy and dark. And I just wanted to end the agony. Literally falling deep into depression every single day yet no one figured that out. It was my fault, that I understand now. Prior to all these – I was fun to be with; smart, jovial and of course, filled with self-confidence that I managed to build over the years. My childhood isn’t the prettiest either but that’s a story for another time.
I am not the most social person you’ll meet – I suck at keeping friendship so my friend circle is limited. Some of my friends know that I am the worst when it comes to texting or being on call – most of the time I am just in “DND” mode. I keep reminding myself that I need new friends but I failed at keeping one because I’ve BEEN running away from all the opportunity I had. Honestly, I admire people who can keep friends because I am just not blessed with that ability so isolating myself wasn’t difficult, so I took some time to understand myself hence things changed.
I started writing actively and shared it on social media. I started off on “LETTRS”, an application that allows you to write letters to pen pals from around the world. I shared my heart out and started getting heart-warming letters, then I started sending out positive letters to my pen pals. I managed to make them feel better about themselves – and I learned along the way to appreciate myself better. I decided to become a warrior instead – so I filled my life with positive things and choose to not pay heed to negativity but it isn’t easy. I did join the party but I quickly came out of it.
FAST FORWARD TO PRESENT TIME.
I am doing so much better now. Of course, depression and anxiety are my old buddies, they choose to stay for a bit longer but my approach in life changes towards being selfish for myself. I am not “perfect” and no one can be either but all that matters is you know what is important for you. One lesson I’ve learned from all that happened the last 3 years is that – you cannot wait for the light at the end of the tunnel but you have to find one for yourself and carry along when it is needed.
Only YOU can save yourself, and you might be aware of it but you’ve got what it takes to
come out of a dark space and radiate light.
I could have chosen to stay where I was and ended my life 3 years ago. I was hurting – YES. I was heartbroken – YES. It’s quite painful to think again that I wanted to let go of my “breath” over things that no longer today. Of course, there are times when I cry because some things still prick to date but I am in a better space – I learned how to love myself. I am healing from all that happened throughout 29 years of my life but it ain’t easy; I have a love-hate relationship with it but I need this to move on in life. And did I regret all that happened? The teenager in me things many things could have been changed but the mature me knows that this is WHAT I need to be a better person.
I am ending this with a favorite line of mine from Rumi :
✨The wound is the place where the Light enters you ✨